Updated: Aug 11, 2022
This morning I sat writing in my journal about the things I was grateful for. I could have written out a list of things, but I was more specific and reflected on what God had brought me through this weekend.
The battlefield in my mind was in complete turmoil. I was in a dark, scary place and I did not know how I was going to crawl out of this place of despair. I was on the brink of a panic attack and was crying so badly that all I could see were my tears. The Holy Spirit said, "Breathe!" as I sat in my tub.
I inhaled and exhaled, although tears were still falling. I felt lighter, as if the burden was lifting. It wasn’t completely gone, but the voice of the enemy stopped screaming at me and I could get dressed and go beyond the walls of my house, which seemed to close in on me.
I phoned a friend to tell her what was happening, and she just listened. Usually, when I talk it out, I end up encouraging myself. Well, that’s now where the story ends. Later that night, as I tried to fall asleep, there was the enemy's voice again, speaking so loud that I could not sleep.
These are things he was saying to me.
You should commit suicide.
You are worthless.
You are not good.
You are always messing up.
You need to stop with Breathe Again.
Oh my, I was struggling again to the point I decided not to go to church the next morning. I finally drifted off to sleep and in my dream I was in a church service and my Pastor Avery Wiles was moving about the service, praying for individuals and he had laid hands on me and prayed. There’s more to the dream, but this is where I will leave it for now.
Sunday, when I woke up, I knew I needed to press my way to church. I was scheduled to pray at church, but decided not to. I refuse to show up and pour from an empty place. This is so dangerous and unnecessary. I needed to be poured into and restored.
When I left the house, I only take two routes to church, but took an alternative route. It was peaceful, with lots of water and trees. On my drive, I just talked to God about all that had unfolded and how I was feeling. I told God today I stand in the need of prayer. I need a word from you. As I was driving, He told me to look out at the water and trees and tell Him what I saw.
I saw life, flow, movement, depth, surface, creation, beauty, color, breath, etc.
At that moment, I just knew it was going to get better. I arrived at church and one of my good friends was at the door and she said smile. I thought I was smiling, but she has a way of seeing beyond the perfect smile.
Sunday service was the deliverance I needed from the turmoil in the mind. It’s what I needed to be set free and know that God had heard me as I was chatting with Him in the car. If God didn’t meet me on Sunday, I do not know where I would be today. And the very dream I had became a reality when I saw my pastor moving about the congregation praying and then he called an altar call and prayed for so many people. He even laid hands on me and prayed against the turmoil I was dealing with.
I woke up with gratitude in my heart today, thanking God for bringing me out of a dark place. It was God’s grace that kept me when I wanted to let go. I am standing here only because He made a way for me to Breathe Again. My heart is filled with gratitude that the God I serve is bigger than my inner struggles and loves me enough to pull me out of that dark place.
This weekend was also about me feeling the weight of another sister somewhere in this world. I saw another woman in a vision going through the exact thing as me and I prayed for life and God’s breathe to enter her body and for the voice of the enemy to be silenced.
Majestic Daughter, do not do life apart from the Holy Spirit or community. You need them and they need you. When you are linked to legacy, stay connected to the purpose, promise and people God has just for you!