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A Mess Turned Into a Message

Often in life unexpected turbulence's shift us into a place that leaves us lonely, heartbroken, and even damaged. As I reflect on a personal experience involving my father, it prompted me to pick this quote.

“Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change.” Iyanla Vanzant

I've learned that no matter how much you try to run away from the truth, it will never go away. When I was a young girl, I remember my father saying he would be back later that day to take me to the movies. I was so excited and got overjoyed to see 101 Dalmatians.

After waiting for him for now over 25 years, I realized I'd been carrying the feelings of abandonment, dishonesty, and waiting for every man who told me they loved me to leave. As a child you don't quite understand why “daddy” doesn't fulfill his promise. You don't quite understand why the hurt is carried through each relationship you encounter. You unintentionally attach it to innocent souls who holds no accountability.

I started noticing a cycle of running away from things or people whom I felt would hurt me or abandon me. I would lay in the bed at night crying trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I would date guy after guy to try and fill up the emptiness I was feeling inside. There were times when I even questioned my worth and wondered if I deserved to be cared for and loved.

Every woman looks in her father’s eyes to see her future husband and to see how beautiful she really is. From her father is where she learns proper chivalry etiquette and unconditional love.

I was lost and looking for something without a clue of what I was on the search for.

After I had my son in 2011 my whole life started to change for the better. I knew my old mindset wasn't going to work in my new level. I had an extreme purpose to fulfill. I was going to be the best mother to him that I could have ever imagined. I have to say I am darn proud of myself. Ha! Ha! Ha! The issue became when I realized that yes, I'm a great mother providing TLC (tender, love, and care), but who was taking care of me.

I started losing myself in my role as a mother. I started living outside of myself, putting my needs and wants on the surface. I was still guarding my heart filled with all those negatives alongside living with reality of being a single mother.

I started learning you can't pour from an empty cup. How was I able to give my son something I was afraid to even give myself? I started a journal and wrote down everything I wanted and how I was going to achieve that. One day I went back over a list I made of the type of man I wanted in my life. I started giggling and smiling because at that moment I was no longer afraid. I was vulnerable and ready to give my heart a chance to be loved. I was tired of being frustrated with so called men who only wanted temporary assistance. Not long after that I reconnected with my now husband.

From our first telephone conversation I knew he was something my heart needed. My soul was hungry for his protection and guidance. I knew he was everything Nolan needed as a father figure and more. It was so overwhelming at first. I’d known him since 7th grade and now here he is gravitating towards me knocking down every wall I tried to put up except for one.

One night he came over to my house and said, “How can you love me. But won't let your guard down?” He said, “Until you heal and deal with your past we can't move forward!”

I was totally shocked! I couldn't believe how much of my past hurt was still lingering around. I knew he was too good of a man to lose. He brought me to tears seeing how much he even cared for me to heal so that I can move forward in my life.

He saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. After much prayer and fasting, God revealed to me that just because my daddy broke his promise doesn't mean every man will. You see sometimes it's easier to hold on to the pain because it's a great scapegoat for protection. That's what the enemy wants. The enemy wants to keep us so jacked up that we miss the blessings God have before us.

I thank God he opened me up to be willing to look at my darkness and be empowered to change. Had I not listened to the man God had speak to my heart I would have missed a great man who unconditionally loves me and my son both. A man with integrity and class. I'm so blessed to that God loved me enough to carry me through all the years of pain and loneliness that I'd been carrying, to every woman out there that is caught in the valley.

Don't give up! Don't lose sight of what God has spoken to you. He's going to do it! You are next in line!

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